TRANSLATING WOMEN’S and MEN's ENGLISH

• TRANSLATING WOMEN’S ENGLISH:
  Yes = No
  No = Yes
  Maybe = No
  We need = I want
  I’m sorry = You’ll be sorry
  We need to talk = I need to complain
  Sure...go ahead = I don’t want you to
  Is my butt fat? = Tell me I’m beautiful
  Do what you want = You’ll pay for this later
  I’m not upset = Of course I’m upset, you moron!
  Are you listening to me?? = Too late, you’re dead
  You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me
  Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs
  You’re so.. manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot
  Do you love me? = I’m going to ask for something expensive
  It’s your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now
  You’re certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about??
  I’ll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV
  How much do you love me? = I did something today that you’re really not going to like
  
  TRANSLATING MEN’S ENGLISH:
  I’m hungry = I’m hungry
  I’m sleepy = I’m sleepy
  I’m tired = I’m tired
  Nice dress = Nice cleavage!
  I love you = Let’s have sex now
  I’m bored = Do you want to have sex?
  What’s wrong = I guess sex tonight is out of the question
  I love you, too = Okay, I said it...we’d better have sex now!
  May I have this dance? = I’d eventually like to have sex with you
  Can I call you sometime? = I’d eventually like to have sex with you
  Do you want to go to a movie? = I’d eventually like to have sex with you
  Can I take you out to dinner? = I’d eventually like to have sex with you
  Will you marry me? = I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with other guys
  You look tense, let me give you a massage = I want to have sex with you in the next ten minutes
  Let’s talk = I am trying to impress you by showing that I am a deep person and maybe then you’d like to have sex with me
  I don’t think those shoes go with that outfit = I am gay